Dilemma???

You know, I had this idea of what being a missionary was going to be like. I would be "out there." I would "learn the local language." I would respond with a "great compassion" for all those I come into contact with. I would be so busy with ministry that lives would be touched for Jesus every single day.
Now I must say ... reviewing these thoughts makes me feel like a real failure. Over this past school year, we have struggled to get as much school done as possible. Each time our family goes to the island, it involves a whole week off of school. We have tried taking school with us, but not much gets accomplished because I am not available to supervise and help them along. Once a week is SHIM's prayer day (which is obviously very important and we do enjoy participating), but again, this is another day which school seldom gets done or if so, very little, because of the time involved for this one meeting.
Now this situation puts me in particular in a big dilemma ... my heart is torn - on the one side for my children and on the other for ministry ... Whenever I participate in the SHIM ministry as fully as I can, we only accomplish two weeks of school in a month's time on average. You can imagine this puts us far behind where we should be. In fact, it is the second week of July and we are still in full swing with school, trying to get as much done before we head to America on furlough.
Bob is so good and tender with his wife when things like this happen. It was clear to him which choice must be made -- the children first and foremost during this time in their lives (and mine). I know he is right and yes, it is true.
So ... I refocus myself on my children and their education. And I redesign my ministry with SHIM for the time being. I know that God wants me to share our home freely with others as well as use the van He has provided to help also. So ... while I continue to believe I do not have the gift of hospitality, I am believing Him when He asks me to step out and offer it anyways in obedience to His call. It is a shift in mindset for me.
I guess I always just assumed that He wanted me to participate fully with SHIM's ministries, specifically the Family Ministry Team. It hadn't occurred to me that He didn't want me to.
This has brought me to my knees in seeking His desires anew for me like I should have sought what He wanted me specifically to do here before I just jumped in. He laid pastor's wives on my heart and has given me a desire to pray for those living in the islands. He laid the village children in Kyoya on my heart and gave me a desire to reach out to them. And yes, I believe He gave me my own children and laid on my heart years ago to homeschool them. And no, that has not changed. So I guess really there is no dilemma as it had seemed.
My ministry for SHIM will change. I will still offer my home for any meetings, especially the once-a-month staff meeting, as well as any other way I can. (I have even been enjoying recently some time with the single SHIM ladies who come to bake.) I hope to open my home to more meals with SHIM staff members as well as game nights and maybe even once-a-month movie nights. I am not sure entirely how He would have to me to do as yet. But this time, I will seek His desires before my ideas.
But going out to the SHIM base on Lingira Island and teaching in the Family Ministry seminars around the nearby islands with Bob will no longer occur on a regular basis for me. While this makes my heart sad, I know it is what God wants me to do. In that I find peace and comfort in knowing that He will call me to other things in due time. But for now, I am renewed in my heart and will obey His call to school my children to His glory once again.
Okay. No dilemma!